Wednesday, October 27, 2004


Father Knows Best

Hey, it's Screamin' Jane Hawkins!
Originally uploaded by jonnybutter.

Coturnix over at the fascinating Science and Politics gives us a round up today of stories dealing with the psychology of faith-versus-fact based politics. He also has done a lot of work on the bizzare sexual meta-themes of the current presidential campaign. His brief commentary includes the following:

Apart from presenting himself as masculine, Kerry also has to work on the other side of the equation: portray BushCo as sissies, wusses, cowards....They present themselves as erect falluses - we need to show they are just flaccid dicks, afraid of vaginas with teeth.

That brought to mind a little story which, in the interest of providing a bit of (I hope) comic relief, I humbly present to you now:

Stern Father watches from the window of his third-floor leather study as his very young son plays innocently with a little girl on the sidewalk below. He's getting angrier and angrier, his head filling with blood, his veins throbbing. He finally snaps, flies down the stairs, grabs his bewildered son by the ear and drags him all the way up to the study. Stern Father seals the door and turns to glare at the boy: 'You won't understand now, but always remember what I'm about to tell you: stay away from girls; they have TEETH in there and they'll chew you up! In a tremulous whimper the boy says 'Y-y-yes Father'.

A guileless teenager now, the boy finds himself crazily preoccupied with girls. He makes the mistake of walking home with one from his class on the very same sidewalk. His father spies them, rages down the stairs and pulls his son by the scruff of the neck up the stairs: "Don't you remember what I told you?! STAY AWAY FROM GIRLS! They have TEETH in there and they'll CHEW YOU UP!. "Y-y-yes sir".

The boy eventually graduates from college and, displaying enormous drive and ambition, becomes a journalist with a very bright future. A real eager beaver. One day he meets and is smitten by a beautiful turquoise jewelry designer. He certainly remembers what his father had told him, but he can't help it, and neither can she. It's Love. Right after the wedding ceremony, they board a cruise ship and start their honeymoon. After a full first day of shuffleboard, fabulous entertainment and way too much food, the couple retires to their wedding bed. The young groom gives his new wife a big warm affectionate hug and kiss, rolls over and goes right to sleep. She is a little perplexed, but decides to let it go, figuring that he's just tired or nervous or something. She herself rolls over and goes to sleep.

The next day is even better. They swim, do karaoke and again eat way too much scrumptious food before finally returning to bed in the soft pink bridal cabin. He gives her another warm, genuinely affectionate hug and kiss, says 'G'night honey!', and rolls over. His new wife yells: "WAIT A MINUTE!"

" there something wrong dear?"

"Well, YEAH, there IS! Howard, you're a fine man, but you have to, you know...consumate the marriage!"

After she explains exactly what that entails, he says, "Oooh No! My dad told me that you women have TEETH in there and that you'll chew me up!"

With a mixture of pity and slight revulsion subtly animating her face, she says, "Look, Howard; we're husband and wife now. It's time for you to finally learn the truth. Take a very good look at what's right in front of your eyes. See? There're no teeth in there!"

"Well, with gums in THAT condition, of COURSE not!"

Moral: A truly 'responsible' American journalist dutifully goes wherever a story leads him.

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